# five a day can be confusing, then a conclusion!
My ex-girlfriend arrived at approximately 2:05 pm yesterday with my Jeep Cherokee. I felt nervous, excited and scared. When she got out of the car I saw that she was wearing her hair curly, the way I used to prefer it ( she liked it straight, I liked it naturally curly ). She also had on jeans. She never wore jeans I thought to myself. She seemed so relaxed and nice. Why?
G had brought me soup and gravy ( for any real Italians, this mean sauce n meatballs ) too. It was like giving me little pieces of home. I missed home. She was here, and her food!? What the hell. I was instantly transported back. My mind, heart and body did things all at once that I could not control. I suddenly felt sad. And wanted to touch her. I held back for the moment, but I continued to watch her every move. The way she grabbed the trash from the car with her perfectly french manicured hands, again a style she knows I love. Or was it that she just happened to have them done that way? I don't think she had the time to really prepare THIS much just to make me go semi crazy like this. I don't want to believe, either, that she wanted me to feel off and out of sorts about her and back in her grip. Or did she? She was, after all, just doing a nice thing for me. She had been working all day too and had a job, an inspection in MA that day too, so she was merely dressed for this and looking her "G-self". Right? I will never ask. She will never admit anyway and I will never know.
So we came into my room and from there I did hug her. I couldn't help it. It was one of those hugs were you get a sniff in too, and all the senses are met... and you kind of get lost for like 5 seconds. I felt like a child. Not an adult. Like I wanted to just curl up on the bed with her and be held and hold her. We have been through a battle of my medical conditions of complex PTSD/Anxiety, complicated bereavement over my Mom's passing and my disease of Addiction/Alcoholism. She was there for my last stages and was the one who took me to the Dual Diagnosis center in Princeton, MA. From there it has been, truly, a blur and chaos between us. The only clear thing is that we broke up and that I decided to not be with her after she decided to break up with me. Now she is dating some one else already. These are the facts at this point. Everything in between is emotions and thoughts. I am confused. Officially. And I am writing to figure it out. I do love her and care for her. Today I prioritize my sobriety first, my recovery first. Relationships are not even on my list right now. So in typing this right now I suppose I just got that light bulb over my head. If I reread I will find the clarity.
The bottom line is. I cannot be lost in this. I must go forward working on me. Although G did a nice thing for me yesterday and yesterday was confusing. I am now in today and 70 days in recovery! I must stay present, mindful and continue to do me. She is healthy and I will encourage her to do the same even though things got confusing for us both. Only time will tell. I have much to uncover here, but only my God and I can do that. Alone with HIM and the fellowship and my therapist (okay so not so alone! ha!) will I do this! Go me! :) I will go gracefully in the direction of my recovery.
Thy will not mine be done.
Thank you for reading.
Shancovery!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
#4 - because #2 is actually #3 - Have fun child (Nick I love you)
First night at the sober house in Belmont, next to McLean Hospital. I just returned from a much needed AA speaker meeting. It made me feel so relieved. I was irritated and upset all day. I woke up grumpy from having a restless night. I miss my Mom. I recently started to crochet a blanket, a skill that I almost let slip away and a skill that my Mom taught me time and time again to try to pass along to one of us girls. She sat many many hours with her little hands working diligently on so many blankets for babies and for around the house. A task and past time of hers I took for granted over the years and one I now wish I could see her alive doing right now. As I hold the needle in my own hands I have flashes of her giggling as she taught me and would laugh as I would get frustrated with my perfectionism and say "I can't" or "Am I doing it right?" She would encourage me and say, "let me see... or let me watch you," "yes, looks right, good job." And she'd smile and keep doing hers. I would only do a few minutes to her hours worth as my anxiety or need to go do something "else" would always take me away from her. How I wish for those minutes back now. I now, today, have done way more on my own, than she ever witnessed me crochet in her presence! I watch how I hold the needle and I think of her hands. I readjust and I listen for her voice. Again I pull it out and redo the loops I just did thinking I can do them better, the perfectionist is still here I think. I will finish this blanket, only this time I will do it for me. I am having fun doing it and it calms me. Mom used to explain to me that her crocheting keeps her busy and calm and that its a way for her to "sit still". I never understood, I mean truly got it, until now. Perhaps I am more like her than I know. Perhaps this is why we butted heads so much? I was and am very hard headed, yet gentle with others. Am I describing my Mom? I miss her. She would want me to sit still. Something I need so desperately right now in my recovery. To be able to sit with myself and my feelings. To get to know me. To respect me and to allow cravings to pass and good things to come into play. To have fun with the right people and most of all to love myself. She wants me to love me as she loved me. Unconditionally and without judgment but with boundaries of safety from others that will allow me to grow and nurture my soul spiritually and religiously.
Mom,
Today I am your child. Today I am sober. Today I love myself.
Thank you for reading.
Shanon
First night at the sober house in Belmont, next to McLean Hospital. I just returned from a much needed AA speaker meeting. It made me feel so relieved. I was irritated and upset all day. I woke up grumpy from having a restless night. I miss my Mom. I recently started to crochet a blanket, a skill that I almost let slip away and a skill that my Mom taught me time and time again to try to pass along to one of us girls. She sat many many hours with her little hands working diligently on so many blankets for babies and for around the house. A task and past time of hers I took for granted over the years and one I now wish I could see her alive doing right now. As I hold the needle in my own hands I have flashes of her giggling as she taught me and would laugh as I would get frustrated with my perfectionism and say "I can't" or "Am I doing it right?" She would encourage me and say, "let me see... or let me watch you," "yes, looks right, good job." And she'd smile and keep doing hers. I would only do a few minutes to her hours worth as my anxiety or need to go do something "else" would always take me away from her. How I wish for those minutes back now. I now, today, have done way more on my own, than she ever witnessed me crochet in her presence! I watch how I hold the needle and I think of her hands. I readjust and I listen for her voice. Again I pull it out and redo the loops I just did thinking I can do them better, the perfectionist is still here I think. I will finish this blanket, only this time I will do it for me. I am having fun doing it and it calms me. Mom used to explain to me that her crocheting keeps her busy and calm and that its a way for her to "sit still". I never understood, I mean truly got it, until now. Perhaps I am more like her than I know. Perhaps this is why we butted heads so much? I was and am very hard headed, yet gentle with others. Am I describing my Mom? I miss her. She would want me to sit still. Something I need so desperately right now in my recovery. To be able to sit with myself and my feelings. To get to know me. To respect me and to allow cravings to pass and good things to come into play. To have fun with the right people and most of all to love myself. She wants me to love me as she loved me. Unconditionally and without judgment but with boundaries of safety from others that will allow me to grow and nurture my soul spiritually and religiously.
Mom,
Today I am your child. Today I am sober. Today I love myself.
Thank you for reading.
Shanon
#2 good bye Fernside once and for all
As I sit in this room here at Fernside, a psychiatric rehab for mood disorder and substance abuse. I am reminded of why I came here in the first place. My then girlfriend, Gina, told my Dad that I had an underlying issue that she was witnessing and that she believed that I needed to get diagnosed and get help for it. She advocated for me and researched many rehabs and found this place - McLean at Fernside in Princeton, MA... a very secluded place at the base of the Wachusett Mountains. It is beautiful and serene here, not for city folks, that is for sure. I absolutely love it here. We are above the world it seems and every morning I can see all the way to Boston over tree tops and hills and houses nestled tightly and secretly in the trees. There are sounds of birds, wind and wild turkeys. Sounds of no sound, faint cars passing by and of peace. I went for a walk a few weeks ago and came upon a stream. How I found this stream was through mindfulness. I was listening and trying to be present and I stopped, to listen and heard water... I turned my body in the direction of the water and jumped over a barrier and low and behold I found a stream... I have pictures of this stream (to add later - a note to myself her in these parenthesis). I took video as well as I prayed there. Point, Shanon? Well the point is... I sit here now... remembering all the gifts I have gotten while her getting sober and learning about my mood condition, Anxiety. I am so grateful for Fernside and for Gina, for my Dad for supporting the decision and paying for this experience and most of all for ME, for having the guts to go through with it and to give myself the chance to go through this scary and life changing journey I am currently undergoing. I am by no means finished, in fact, this is only the beginning... but I have a beginning and this is where is all started... at Fernside in Princeton, MA at the base of the WaWa Mountain with the spirit of my Mom, God and me, working hard to get me through the days... Thank you for reading.
Love and kindness,
Shanon
As I sit in this room here at Fernside, a psychiatric rehab for mood disorder and substance abuse. I am reminded of why I came here in the first place. My then girlfriend, Gina, told my Dad that I had an underlying issue that she was witnessing and that she believed that I needed to get diagnosed and get help for it. She advocated for me and researched many rehabs and found this place - McLean at Fernside in Princeton, MA... a very secluded place at the base of the Wachusett Mountains. It is beautiful and serene here, not for city folks, that is for sure. I absolutely love it here. We are above the world it seems and every morning I can see all the way to Boston over tree tops and hills and houses nestled tightly and secretly in the trees. There are sounds of birds, wind and wild turkeys. Sounds of no sound, faint cars passing by and of peace. I went for a walk a few weeks ago and came upon a stream. How I found this stream was through mindfulness. I was listening and trying to be present and I stopped, to listen and heard water... I turned my body in the direction of the water and jumped over a barrier and low and behold I found a stream... I have pictures of this stream (to add later - a note to myself her in these parenthesis). I took video as well as I prayed there. Point, Shanon? Well the point is... I sit here now... remembering all the gifts I have gotten while her getting sober and learning about my mood condition, Anxiety. I am so grateful for Fernside and for Gina, for my Dad for supporting the decision and paying for this experience and most of all for ME, for having the guts to go through with it and to give myself the chance to go through this scary and life changing journey I am currently undergoing. I am by no means finished, in fact, this is only the beginning... but I have a beginning and this is where is all started... at Fernside in Princeton, MA at the base of the WaWa Mountain with the spirit of my Mom, God and me, working hard to get me through the days... Thank you for reading.
Love and kindness,
Shanon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)