# five   a day can be confusing, then a conclusion!

My ex-girlfriend arrived at approximately 2:05 pm yesterday with my Jeep Cherokee. I felt nervous, excited and scared. When she got out of the car I saw that she was wearing her hair curly, the way I used to prefer it ( she liked it straight, I liked it naturally curly ). She also had on jeans. She never wore jeans I thought to myself. She seemed so relaxed and nice. Why?

G had brought me soup and gravy ( for any real Italians, this mean sauce n meatballs ) too. It was like giving me little pieces of home. I missed home. She was here, and her food!? What the hell. I was instantly transported back. My mind, heart and body did things all at once that I could not control. I suddenly felt sad. And wanted to touch her. I held back for the moment, but I continued to watch her every move. The way she grabbed the trash from the car with her perfectly french manicured hands, again a style she knows I love. Or was it that she just happened to have them done that way? I don't think she had the time to really prepare THIS much just to make me go semi crazy like this. I don't want to believe, either, that she wanted me to feel off and out of sorts about her and back in her grip. Or did she? She was, after all, just doing a nice thing for me. She had been working all day too and had a job, an inspection in MA that day too, so she was merely dressed for this and looking her "G-self". Right? I will never ask. She will never admit anyway and I will never know.

So we came into my room and from there I did hug her. I couldn't help it. It was one of those hugs were you get a sniff in too, and all the senses are met... and you kind of get lost for like 5 seconds. I felt like a child. Not an adult. Like I wanted to just curl up on the bed with her and be held and hold her. We have been through a battle of my medical conditions of complex PTSD/Anxiety, complicated bereavement over my Mom's passing and my disease of Addiction/Alcoholism. She was there for my last stages and was the one who took me to the Dual Diagnosis center in Princeton, MA. From there it has been, truly, a blur and chaos between us. The only clear thing is that we broke up and that I decided to not be with her after she decided to break up with me. Now she is dating some one else already. These are the facts at this point. Everything in between is emotions and thoughts. I am confused. Officially. And I am writing to figure it out. I do love her and care for her. Today I prioritize my sobriety first, my recovery first. Relationships are not even on my list right now. So in typing this right now I suppose I just got that light bulb over my head. If I reread I will find the clarity.

The bottom line is. I cannot be lost in this. I must go forward working on me. Although G did a nice thing for me yesterday and yesterday was confusing. I am now in today and 70 days in recovery! I must stay present, mindful and continue to do me. She is healthy and I will encourage her to do the same even though things got confusing for us both. Only time will tell. I have much to uncover here, but only my God and I can do that. Alone with HIM and the fellowship and my therapist (okay so not so alone! ha!) will I do this! Go me! :) I will go gracefully in the direction of my recovery.

Thy will not mine be done.

Thank you for reading.

Shancovery!