#4 - because #2 is actually #3 - Have fun child (Nick I love you)

First night at the sober house in Belmont, next to McLean Hospital. I just returned from a much needed AA speaker meeting. It made me feel so relieved. I was irritated and upset all day. I woke up grumpy from having a restless night. I miss my Mom. I recently started to crochet a blanket, a skill that I almost let slip away and a skill that my Mom taught me time and time again to try to pass along to one of us girls. She sat many many hours with her little hands working diligently on so many blankets for babies and for around the house. A task and past time of hers I took for granted over the years and one I now wish I could see her alive doing right now. As I hold the needle in my own hands I have flashes of her giggling as she taught me and would laugh as I would get frustrated with my perfectionism and say "I can't" or "Am I doing it right?" She would encourage me and say, "let me see... or let me watch you," "yes, looks right, good job." And she'd smile and keep doing hers. I would only do a few minutes to her hours worth as my anxiety or need to go do something "else" would always take me away from her. How I wish for those minutes back now. I now, today, have done way more on my own, than she ever witnessed me crochet in her presence! I watch how I hold the needle and I think of her hands. I readjust and I listen for her voice. Again I pull it out and redo the loops I just did thinking I can do them better, the perfectionist is still here I think. I will finish this blanket, only this time I will do it for me. I am having fun doing it and it calms me. Mom used to explain to me that her crocheting keeps her busy and calm and that its a way for her to "sit still". I never understood, I mean truly got it, until now. Perhaps I am more like her than I know. Perhaps this is why we butted heads so much? I was and am very hard headed, yet gentle with others. Am I describing my Mom? I miss her. She would want me to sit still. Something I need so desperately right now in my recovery. To be able to sit with myself and my feelings. To get to know me. To respect me and to allow cravings to pass and good things to come into play. To have fun with the right people and most of all to love myself. She wants me to love me as she loved me. Unconditionally and without judgment but with boundaries of safety from others that will allow me to grow and nurture my soul spiritually and religiously.
Mom,
Today I am your child. Today I am sober. Today I love myself.

Thank you for reading.

Shanon